Mr Vinegar

Mr. and Mrs. Vinegar lived in a vinegar bottle. Now, one day, when Mr.
Vinegar was from home, Mrs. Vinegar, who was a very good housewife, was
busily sweeping her house, when an unlucky thump of the broom brought
the whole house clitter-clatter, clitter-clatter, about her ears. In an
agony of grief she rushed forth to meet her husband.

On seeing him she exclaimed, "Oh, Mr. Vinegar, Mr. Vinegar, we are
ruined, I have knocked the house down, and it is all to pieces!" Mr.
Vinegar then said: "My dear, let us see what can be done. Here is
the door; I will take it on my back, and we will go forth to seek our
fortune."

They walked all that day, and at nightfall entered a thick forest. They
were both very, very tired, and Mr. Vinegar said: "My love, I will climb
up into a tree, drag up the door, and you shall follow." He accordingly
did so, and they both stretched their weary limbs on the door, and fell
fast asleep.

In the middle of the night Mr. Vinegar was disturbed by the sound of
voices underneath, and to his horror and dismay found that it was a band
of thieves met to divide their booty.

"Here, Jack," said one, "here's five pounds for you; here, Bill, here's
ten pounds for you; here, Bob, here's three pounds for you."

Mr. Vinegar could listen no longer; his terror was so great that he
trembled and trembled, and shook down the door on their heads. Away
scampered the thieves, but Mr. Vinegar dared not quit his retreat till
broad daylight.

He then scrambled out of the tree, and went to lift up the door. What
did he see but a number of golden guineas. "Come down, Mrs. Vinegar," he
cried; "come down, I say; our fortune's made, our fortune's made! Come
down, I say."

Mrs. Vinegar got down as fast as she could, and when she saw the money
she jumped for joy. "Now, my dear," said she, "I'll tell you what you
shall do. There is a fair at the neighbouring town; you shall take these
forty guineas and buy a cow. I can make butter and cheese, which
you shall sell at market, and we shall then be able to live very
comfortably."

Mr. Vinegar joyfully agrees, takes the money, and off he goes to the
fair. When he arrived, he walked up and down, and at length saw a
beautiful red cow. It was an excellent milker, and perfect in every
way. "Oh," thought Mr. Vinegar, "if I had but that cow, I should be the
happiest, man alive."

So he offers the forty guineas for the cow, and the owner said that, as
he was a friend, he'd oblige him. So the bargain was made, and he got
the cow and he drove it backwards and forwards to show it.

By-and-by he saw a man playing the bagpipes--Tweedle-dum tweedle-dee.
The children followed him about, and he appeared to be pocketing money
on all sides. "Well," thought Mr. Vinegar, "if I had but that beautiful
instrument I should be the happiest man alive--my fortune would be
made."

So he went up to the man. "Friend," says he, "what a beautiful
instrument that is, and what a deal of money you must make." "Why, yes,"
said the man, "I make a great deal of money, to be sure, and it is a
wonderful instrument." "Oh!" cried Mr. Vinegar, "how I should like to
possess it!" "Well," said the man, "as you are a friend, I don't much
mind parting with it; you shall have it for that red cow." "Done!" said
the delighted Mr. Vinegar. So the beautiful red cow was given for the
bagpipes.

He walked up and down with his purchase; but it was in vain he tried
to play a tune, and instead of pocketing pence, the boys followed him
hooting, laughing, and pelting.

Poor Mr. Vinegar, his fingers grew very cold, and, just as he was
leaving the town, he met a man with a fine thick pair of gloves. "Oh,
my fingers are so very cold," said Mr. Vinegar to himself. "Now if I had
but those beautiful gloves I should be the happiest man alive." He went
up to the man, and said to him, "Friend, you seem to have a capital pair
of gloves there." "Yes, truly," cried the man; "and my hands are as warm
as possible this cold November day." "Well," said Mr. Vinegar, "I should
like to have them.". "What will you give?" said the man; "as you are
a friend, I don't much mind letting you have them for those bagpipes."
"Done!" cried Mr. Vinegar. He put on the gloves, and felt perfectly
happy as he trudged homewards.

At last he grew very tired, when he saw a man coming towards him with a
good stout stick in his hand.

"Oh," said Mr. Vinegar, "that I had but that stick! I should then be the
happiest man alive." He said to the man: "Friend! what a rare good stick
you have got." "Yes," said the man; "I have used it for many a long
mile, and a good friend it has been; but if you have a fancy for it,
as you are a friend, I don't mind giving it to you for that pair of
gloves." Mr. Vinegar's hands were so warm, and his legs so tired, that
he gladly made the exchange.

As he drew near to the wood where he had left his wife, he heard a
parrot on a tree calling out his name: "Mr. Vinegar, you foolish man,
you blockhead, you simpleton; you went to the fair, and laid out all
your money in buying a cow. Not content with that, you changed it
for bagpipes, on which you could not play, and which were not worth
one-tenth of the money. You fool, you--you had no sooner got the
bagpipes than you changed them for the gloves, which were not worth
one-quarter of the money; and when you had got the gloves, you changed
them for a poor miserable stick; and now for your forty guineas, cow,
bagpipes, and gloves, you have nothing to show but that poor miserable
stick, which you might have cut in any hedge." On this the bird laughed
and laughed, and Mr. Vinegar, falling into a violent rage, threw the
stick at its head. The stick lodged in the tree, and he returned to his
wife without money, cow, bagpipes, gloves, or stick, and she instantly
gave him such a sound cudgelling that she almost broke every bone in his
skin.